Terror of the Lichemaster: 15 / 17

It seems that we're nearly there. The two outstanding Bogels arrived on Friday:

Corabell

John-Boy

Which really means that we're missing only two characters. The insidious Grimwald, and the Ace of Spades himself, Heinrich Kemler. This is the updated sheet:

Only two to go!

Now in this instance, my scrounging was noticed by the benevolent Wardy-La, who transacts in bits and bytes over at Level 2, amongst others. This kind gentlemen hails from the mysterious dimension of Essex, where the preconceived stereotypes do little justice to the honourable residents of that fine county.

Having heard my desperate mewling in the night, he took pity on me and posted the Bogels as soon as was possible, desiring nothing other than the satisfaction of seeing this project lumber one step closer to its inexorable conclusion.

To you, Mr Wardy-La, I say thank you.

I do have some things that Wardy-La may be interested in, so I'll be posting those off by way of recompense. If, however, you find something that I may be able to help with, Mr Wardy-La, please don't hesitate to ask.

Realm of Chaos: Army Builder

Since Thursday, 28 july 2011 I've been added to this blog as a new contributor. Months have passed and I've contributed precisely nothing. What I've been doing instead was working feverishly on what is probably the most impossible and least awaited project of 2012. That's right, a complete implementation of the Realm of Chaos books within the WFB3 Army Builder files. Now before I delve into the intricate details of this, let me first explain Army Builder for those unfamiliar with it.

Army Builder is a software product created by Lone Wolf Development. I quote from their website:

Army Builder streamlines the creation of army lists, providing "point-and-click" simplicity and virtually eliminating mistakes. Instead of spending an hour to create a roster, it now takes a few minutes. Army Builder's validation engine constantly checks your roster against the rules for the game, flagging any errors with pinpoint accuracy.

Since Army Builder takes care of the math for you, you can quickly experiment with different ideas and refine your army list. Add a new item, subtract some models from a unit, change the rules for the roster - Army Builder instantly recalculates points totals and revalidates the roster, allowing you to make changes in seconds.

When your roster is complete, Army Builder can print out an invaluable "quick reference sheet" for use during game play, saving time and reducing costly errors. Between games, you can harness all this power and easily experiment with new army ideas.

The software allows so called data file authors to create data files for virtually any point-based system. The data file central shows a list of all the currently available point-based systems for Army Builder. Anyone can become a data file author. Being a programmer myself I thought it fun to create the data files for Warhammer Fantasy Battles 3rd edition. Little did I know that this "fun" project would take years to finish. The first version was published in October 2010. I believe I started somewhere in 2009.

I completed the implementation of the Warhammer Armies book with version 1.32 on June 2011. This is around the same time when Gaj coined the idea of including the Realm of Chaos army lists. Thanks dude. After a quick investigation I figured it wouldn't take a lot of time if only including the rank & file troops. The Khorne and Slaanesh army lists where included in version 1.51 on July 2011.

Being fairly content with the result, I thought myself finally finished with the latest version 1.65. Until, Gaj started complaining he couldn't select a "Champion of Chaos" from the RoC army lists. Obviously, the implications involved in adding CoC to the list are paramount. I wish I just neglected him and went on with my life. Needless to say, I didn't and this is where my decline into the Realm of Chaos started. Ooh the horror...

To be honest, I really don't know where to start explaining all the work done so far. At the time of writing I've implemented 115 attributes and almost all common gifts. All effects of the attributes are calculated and applied to the selected starting profile. There's still a lot of work to be done, like patron gifts, daemon and chaos weapons, war bands and the remaining attributes. Before continuing with this project and exposing myself to a certain insanity, I would like have some feedback on what has been made so far.

To demonstrate the potential of the RoC data files, I present to you "Ellen Degenerate" made in Army Builder.

We start by selecting a new Chaos roster, and choosing the "RoC - Chaos Army of Slaanesh" army subtype. The other options are left untouched.

The new roster has the following units available.

Selecting the "Champion of Chaos" unit from the roster presents us with the following options. Text marked in red means the option is invalid. In this case the validation roster reminds us that these options are mandatory.

To create a CoC you need to select a starting profile and mark it with the Mark of Chaos. As explained in Gaj's blog post on Ellen Degenerate, she starts her rise/descent as a level 10 Dark Elf Wizard. The Mark of Slaanesh gives her the default gift of Slaanesh (+1 WP) and one random attribute.

The starting profile is added as a child node to the CoC unit. Notice how the name has changed to "Champion of Slaanesh" after selecting the Mark of Slaanesh, the profile is still that of a standard Dark Elf with the exception of the default gift of Slaanesh.

Changing the profile to a level 10 Dark Elf Wizard is done by selection the "Level 10 Wizard" option.

It's also possible to change the default unit names into something more appropriate.

The random attribute is not added immediately after selecting the mark. This has to do with the way Army Builder works. Although AB supports random numbers, it cannot remember the number once generated. Random numbers are recreated each time the roster is updated. Basically every time you select or add something to the roster. To circumvent this problem, the user has to supply AB with the results. This means the user still needs the RoC books for consulting the various dice charts.

Reward 2 - Attribute 1: Chaos Lord
We know Ellen rolled the "Chaos Lord" attribute as her first random attribute. The attribute is selected by clicking on the "Select Attribute" option. Notice that this is mandatory for completing the startup profile.

A dialog appears in which the user can select an attribute. There are three different types of attributes. Those that affect the profile and those that don´t and those that are horribly complex. The Chaos Lord attribute falls under the latter.

Each attribute has a description. The first part is a copy of the description as written in the RoC books. The second part describes the effects.

Attributes are added to the profile unit as child items, prefixed with "attr:".

For this attribute the users needs to roll a D6 for each option presented and select it on a roll of 4+. Now, I'm not sure if Gaj rolled these dice, since he didn't mention anything about it in his blog post. Though he did mention he got the options 1,2,3 and 4. So, for the sake of this demonstration let's assume he did roll the dice.

Selecting the "Chaos Armour" option adds the "Chaos Armour" item as a child to the profile unit. The first CA received gives it bearer a +2 armour save. Consequently normal armour options under the profile unit have now been disabled.

Selecting the "Magic" option adds a +1 Magic Level, giving Ellen a total ML of 2 and access to Level 2 Spells. If Ellen was a follower of Khorne she would have received a Fleshhound and a Collar of Khorne  instead, crazy right?

Selecting the "Attributes" option causes a dialog to appear, asking to enter a number. This number represents the number of attributes. Ellen received 5 extra attributes. These additional attributes causes the "Select Attribute" option under the profile unit options to appear enabled and madatory once again.

Although you can select it, the "Daemon Weapon" option is currently not supported. This leaves us with the following.

Reward 2 - Attribute 2: Long Neck
The "Long Neck" attribute is one of those attributes that does not affect the profile. The easy ones.


Reward 2 - Attribute 3: Bestial Face
The "Bestial Face" attribute needs some special attention. Again, the red text indicates this. Let's have a look at the attribute description and options.

Just as with the "Chaos Lord" attribute, this attribute requires user input.

However, these options are mandatory and only one can be selected per attribute.

There, Ellen now has a "Face of a Goat", gaining +1 Fear Point and +1 Gore Attack.

Notice that the +1 Fear Point and +1 Gore Attack are accumulated under the Traits and Abilities categories

Reward 2 - Attribute 4: Zoological Mutation

Two D100 need to be rolled, the result can be entered by the user.

One part is replaced, and +1 Fear Point is added to her profile.

Reward 2 - Attribute 5: Limb Transferance

Another one of those complex attributes that need user input. Again, this attribute adds another +1 Fear Point to her profile.

Reward 2 - Attribute 6: Plague Bearer

The Shakes cause -1 WS and A, but the stats cannot drop below 1, so A stays the same. The Plaque does add another +1 Fear Point.

Spells
The spells are selected under the appropriate Level categories.

Exporting the roster to PDF creates the following document.

This concludes the creation of Ellen Degenerate. This demonstration only shows a small part of what is implemented. I'm not completely confident in publishing it yet, I guess I'm just looking for some feedback and mental support. If there're enough people actually wanting to use this, I might actually finish it, otherwise I'm not so sure.


If you're only interested in the CoC creation, but don't want to spend money for an AB license, don't worry. The trail version allows the creation of up to 3 units. The CoC only occupies 1 unit, meaning you can create up to three champions without needing an AB license.

FFS: Old World Real Estate

Off the back of a recent discussion over at the Lead Adventure Forum, I identified one of the things that triggered my disenchantment with Warhammer 8th ed. The discussion was very interesting, and included the valuable opinion of one Andy Hoare, game designer extraordinaire and one time employee of the Games Workshop design studio. Apparently his contribution to 8th ed. was very small, so we can forgive him his sins and offer him the respect he deserves - no hate mail, please.

I mention Andy not as a name drop of my brief dalliance with game design stardom, but rather, to add credence to the fact that a good discussion was had. Many opinions are present. Did I mention the time a man who looked an awful lot like Rick Priestly touched me inappropriately in a crowded tube once?

Anyway, the thing that I realised was about the bizarre workings of terrain in 8th edition. In the argument, I summarised briefly the story of a poor Imperial village baker, Hans von Bloodskullspikenstein (it seemed like a suitable name for 8th ed - it includes all their favourite things) and how the scenery around his house might affect him. I thought I might explore that story a bit more.

Lets listen in:

***

"Well, Mr Von Bloodskullspikenstein, as you can see, I've kept the best for last," Walther Dragonskullsplitter said. "It's a four bedroom manor house, separate ablution block, private well and it even has it's very own fortified tower. Let's just stand here and drink it in, shall we?"


Hans looked up at the behemoth. How the hell was he going to pay for that? He was just a humble baker, and the village only had about two hundred inhabitants. He'd have to bake two thousand loaves a day to pay for that, surely? The last two places they'd looked at had been single room flats. The last one was fifteen feet underground, didn't have any windows, and doubled as the neighbouring property's cess pit overflow - and he could barely afford that one. It dawned on him the reason why everyone hated estate agents.


"Its - its quite large, isn't it?" he stammered. 


"Go on. Ask me. Ask me the question." Walther beamed at Hans, nodding and grinning.


"To be honest, Mr Dragonskullsplitter, I think it's out of my price range."


"Ah, but Hans, old buddy, old pal - how long have we known each other now? Would I do such a thing? I am not so callous as to mock your frankly laughable price limit, am I? That's just mean - go on, ask the question."


Hans wasn't sure how or when he'd crossed the 'old buddy, old pal' bridge with Walther, but he was fairly sure he'd never met the ingrate before today.  


"Okay - how much is it?" he asked, wincing.


"How much for this place? This one right here?" Walther waved expansively at the property. 


Hans blinked. "Yes. How much for that one. The only property out here," he said, as he looked around at the abandoned forest flanking each side of the house and back at the dilapidated road that led here. 


Walther placed an arm over Hans' shoulder and swept him through the front gate towards the imposing front door. "This place, my good sir, is dreadfully expensive. Before I came here, and negotiated with the landlord - all for you, of course - it was said that the rent here rivalled the running costs of the Imperial Palace!-"


"Bollocks," Hans blurted. 


Walther looked wounded. "Hans, Hans, Hans. Mr Von Bloodskullspikenestein, even, seeing as how our relationship sours with every word you say - you wound me to the core! Let me finish, let me finish.  Good sir, perhaps I have been dramatic in my estimation. Imperial Palace? Okay, okay, you've got me - a little bit of creative license. Would I show you a place your paltry income could not cover? Why, Hans, even on our way here, if you had but asked about any of the houses we passed, I would have been able to show you ones you could not afford. But, that is not me. Truly, this house was devastatingly, even desperately, expensive, but now, it is affordable. Even for you, Mr Von Bloodskullspikenestein, even for you." He patted Hans on the hand. "Go on - ask me the question. Ask me."


"I think I already did."


"Ask me again. It's that special."


"How much is the bloody house?" 


"Bloody? Again, Mr Von-"


"How. Much. Is. It?" Hans hissed through clenched teeth.


Walther stepped back and looked at Hans with approving eyes. "A man who knows what he wants. Ideal! For you, Mr Von Bloodskullspikenstein, one groat. Each month, and every month thereafter, one single groat!" So broad was the grin on Walther's face that his ears disappeared around the back of his head. 


Hans was shocked. "One groat? An Imperial groat, you mean? One of these?" He produced a battered coin from his pocket. 


Walther nodded. "Correct! One of those, every month, for as long as you wish to stay! But don't decide now." He opened the front door and bundled Hans inside. "Let's first make sure the place meets your requirements!"

***

***

"So that's the place, Hans. May I call you Hans? I'm never sure where we are in this friendship of ours?"


Friendship of ours, or friendship of hours? Hans wondered. He grimaced and nodded. 


Walther jangled the keys. "You could move in tonight - as you can see, there are no occupants."


"Actually, I have some questions, if I may?"


Walther bowed, bending so far over that Hans thought for an instance he might topple over. "Of course, of course! I shall travel to the farthest corner of the world to discover the answers for you, if I don't already know them!"


"It seems awfully - cheap, for such a large place." Hans couldn't profess to be the sharpest knife in the drawer, but he'd done his time. He'd kept his bakery afloat during the yeast crisis of '36. When the millers went on strike in '41, he'd negotiated with elven merchants to ship flour from their own distant lands. He'd kept the mayor's sausage roll surprise fetish a close secret for many years now. Property wasn't his game, but something just didn't feel right.


"It is, it is. A very good deal, no?"


"But why is it so cheap?"


Walther's grin stalled, his face becoming expressionless. "Ah. The cost again. A man who-"


"Walther," Hans growled. 


"Yes, yes, okay. Are you a superstitious man, Mr Von Bloodskullspikenestein?"


Hans reflected on the question briefly. "No, I wouldn't say that I am. Why?"


"Well, the previous occupants have all been having problems with supernatural events, you see. Pure poppycock, of course, but that's just the sort of thing we enterprising gentlemen could capitalise on, isn't it? One man's ghost is another man's ...er..."


"Toast?" Hans suggested. 


"Yeah. Toast. That's it. Apparently, that old grade two listed building down the bottom of the garden there? The previous resident was Mrs Bluddenskulls. Have you met her before? She claimed that was a temple to the damnable gods of chaos. She claimed that one of her children went to play on the stones, was possessed by a giant daemon, and his head exploded. 


"Oh?" Hans raised an eyebrow. He knew that Mrs Bluddenskulls used to have four children. Now she had none. "So I presume that killed the child, then?"


Walther turned sombre. "Apparently, yes. Unfortuntely, when the doctor came to help, he stepped onto the stones as well, and was also possessed by a daemon. He, too, lost his head."


"Was that Dr Bloodhackenslash?" He had been missing for weeks now. 


"Again, apparently so. Of course, its complete nonsense - look at the thing. It's so small and harmless, I don't know where all these daemons would hide. If all of these people kept blowing their heads up on the thing, you wouldn't be able to see if for all the bone and brains and whatnot. Utter twaddle, if you ask me."


"Can we go and have a look?"


Walther gulped. "Er..."


He watched in horror as Hans walked towards the stone structure. Scuttling up behind him, he blurted, "What about a quick spin of the rest of the area instead? Look, there is a beautiful river, with a lovely quaint bridge. See?" Walther jabbed his finger at the dilapidated bridge. "And - there's a lovely dwarf brewery just on the other side, Let's do that instead."


Hans shrugged. "Okay."

***

"Okay, now the thing with the bridge is that we should only approach from this side," Walther whispered. 


"Why are you whispering?" Hans asked.


"SHHH! Shut up! Keep it down! Er... Just in case, is all," Walther forced a nervous grin. 


Hans raised an eyebrow. "Just in case of..."


"Well again, I'm sure it's completely fabricated, but you remember Mrs Bluddenskulls we were talking about earlier? Apparently - and you know her, so you know how she can make up all sorts of faerie tales - apparently, her second eldest was consumed by a huge troll that lives under the bridge." 


Walther elbowed Hans in the ribs. "I don't know where she comes up with these things! Still - let's be quiet, just in case."


"So, hang on - you're saying there're daemons in there," he pointed back to the old temple, "and trolls under that? I confess, Mr Dragonskullsplitter, I am beginning to think one groat is a little expensive..."


"Nonsense, nonsense," Walther said, patting Hans on the arm. I'm saying that Mrs Bluddenskulls is saying there are daemons in there," he pointed to the pile of rubble, "and trolls under there. Look, see how close we are to the bridge and the temple? Have any of our heads exploded? Seen any daemons? Or trolls? Utter poppycock. Not to be taken seriously. One groat is a steal!"


Hans nodded. The man had a point - both of their brains were still comfortably ensconced in their heads and no troll had yet materialised to gobble them up. 


"Let's go and look at this brewery, shall we?" Perhaps a sample of the local produce will help to convince you," Walther said, directing Hans towards the bridge. 

***

***

"Look, there's the brewery just there," Walther said with a grandiose gesture.


"Excellent!" Hans was parched. The walk had been longer than he'd anticipated. "I hope they're still op-"


"Wait!" Walther barked. "We, er...have to say a little rhyme in order to proceed. I almost forgot." He grinned sheepishly.


"We have to say a rhyme?" Hans said, his expression blank. "Let me guess, if we don't say a rhyme, then that old statue there will shoot a fireball at us, consuming our souls and damning them to hell?"


"Ah, so you've spoken to Mrs Bluddenskulls already, have you? That's what happened to her third."


Hans stared at Walther. 


"...Apparently," Walther added quickly. 


"Fine. Whatever. Say the rhyme."


Walther rummaged through his papers. "Here it is. This is what we say:


"As I was coming down the stair, I met a man who wasn't there. He wasn't there again today - I wish that man would go away!"


He looked expectantly at Hans. 


Hans shook his head. "I'm not saying that."


"Hans. Mr Von Bloodskullspikenstein. Come now. Let us respect the local custom? Such a harmless phrase as that? Why, it makes me smile whenever I think of it. Are you planning to have kids one day? Imagine living just around the corner. One day, you can bring little Hans around here, telling him of the first time you heard that rhyme, and how you dodged daemons and trolls to hear it. It makes a wonderful story!"


Hans snorted. "Sure. Okay." He said the rhyme, glaring at the mossy statue, daring it to shoot so much as a sideways glance at him.


"There," Walther said cheerfully. "On we go!"

***

The brewery looked a little worse for wear, Hans thought. It was surrounded by low walls, which were probably higher at one point, but has since been robbed of their stones for various other purposes. The structure itself was windowless, made of a combination of timber and stone. The roof tiles were broken and the place generally carried a sense of forlornness about it. The remains of a sign ('rewe') dangled from a rusty chain, swaying gently in the breeze. 


"I dunno, Walther. That kinda looks abandoned to me?" Hans mumbled, frowning. He'd been looking forward to the beer. He moved to lean on the wall. 


Walther ran up to him, gesticulating wildly.


"No, no, no! Don't do that! Not on the walls like that!"


Hans stopped and sighed. He looked sideways at the little estate agent. "What's wrong with the brewery?"


Walther giggled nervously. "Nothing, nothing at all. Its just that - well, rumour has it that the walls are haunted. Apparently, a mischievous wizard bound the souls of any dwarf who got drunk during the working day to one hundred and one years of service. They may not leave the boundaries of the walls. They tend to get quite cross about that sort of thing.


"You remember Mrs Bluddenskulls? Lovely lady, Mrs Bluddenskulls, but boy-oh-boy can she make stories up. Her fourth child once came here for a drink. The story goes that he, also, leaned up against the walls, whereupon an angry dwarf ghost materialised out of nowhere, and gobbled up the boys hands!"


"Just his hands?"


"If Mrs Bluddenskulls is to be believed, yes. The poor boy, distressed as he was at the loss of the hands, staggered back home, but in so doing, forgot to say the rhyme we discussed earlier. Wouldn't you know it, that same statue that we ambled passed on our lovely country walk? That statue shot all manner of violent spells at the unlucky bugger. It put both his eyes out!"


Hans raised an eyebrow. "You don't say?"


"That's not all. Blinded, he knew not which way to approach the bridge, so of course, he enraged the troll that we clearly saw didn't live there when we crossed the bridge earlier today. Mrs Bluddenskulls tells me that the troll gripped the boy, bit off both his legs, and tossed the rest into the distance."


Hans' voice was deadpan. "Poor kid."


"Indeed, but his misfortune didn't end there. It just so happened that the followers of chaos had just at that moment summoned forth a hideous daemon at the ruined temple back at the house. The thing caught sight of Mrs Bluddenskulls' screaming child flying through the air, plucked him from the sky and swallowed him in one gulp, thus banishing him to one thousand and one years of the most mind tearing agony one could possibly imagine on the seventh level of hell."


Hans shrugged. "Just when it couldn't get any worse, eh?'


Walther grinned. "Exactly! Oh, I do enjoy talking to Mrs Bluddenskulls, even if she is barking mad. Anyway, that's the surrounding area. Shall we return to the house?"

***

"So, as you can see, what we have here is a lovely country manor, with a beautiful location on some of the most characterful countryside we have. Double garage, south facing, brass knocker, the whole shebang. All for one groat a month, available immediately, no deposit. What do you say?"


Hans looked up at the old house. There was something unsettling about it, but, come-on - one groat? It'd have to be pretty unsettling to beat that. And besides, Mrs Bluddenskulls was renowned for her delusional ranting. Come to think about it - how would she have had any kids anyway? Who the hell would have married her?


Walther smiled at Hans. He held out an open hand. 


"Um..." Hans said. 


"I'll throw in the doormat?"


Hand looked at the doormat. It had 'Hi. I'm Mat' emblazoned across its surface. He sniggered. "Okay, okay. I'll take it!"


Walther beamed up at Hans as he passed the keys over.


"You won't regret it, Mr Bloodskullspikenstein! An excellent choice indeed..."

***

"You know, I just don't know how that Walther does it," Pattrik Swae-See the ghost said, watching Hans accept the keys from the shadow of the ruin. 


"I know. It's a thing of beauty, isn't it?" agreed Choppychoppyfukemupbludanskullsanshitforthebludgodde the bloodthirster. "That man could sell ice to an eskimo. We ought to send him a ham or something, don't you think?"


The bloodthirster nudged Twinky the troll. Twinky was intent on biting her toenail, and didn't appear to have an opinion one way or the other. 


"Yeah," Pattrik said, "Let's send a ham..."

Terror Of The Lichemaster: The King of Spades

It's been a long, long search, but finally, finally - Ranlac has a home:

My home, to be specific.

Which takes us to 13 of 17 figures. Only Corabell, John-boy, Grimwald and of course, the Ace of Spades himself - Heinrich Kemler - to go.

Interestingly enough, the rarest of those for me now is actually Grimwald. I've only ever seen one of those, just when I started this exercise. I could have had him for £12, but I thought that was too much at the time.

Idiot.

Anyway, this is where we are now:

And, with three of the big four in the collection, this thing is starting to feel tangible...

WFRP: Play by Post - We're Underway!

Well, Erny has chucked us into the thick of the thing. As mentioned in my previous post, I've opted to participate in a Play by Post WFRP campaign. We have a forty eight hour 'turn', in which our actions are to be posted. Quite sedentary by the standards of most role players, but still punishing for new dads.

Also, we opted to start with the Oldenhaller Contract - the intro scenario in the rule book, just so we could get into the thick of things before commencing with The Enemy Within. Our characters are the same, however.

I play Wanda:

Anyway, check out the unfolding of this little exercise over at the blog:

http://theernywithin.blogspot.co.uk/

A word of caution - we are seven different authors* working completely independently of each other, as and when we're able. It's not The Lord of the Rings.

Finally, by way of linking this post to something vaguely warhammer related - now that I've mentioned the Oldenhaller Contract, you should be able to cross the bridge of the river Pun and make the connection with the Oldhammer Contract. Clever fellow, that Zhu.

*I use the term loosely

Sabotage - The Enemy Within!

I lamented in my previous post about the considerable amount of time I've had to allocate from my hobby to my new family. And, try as I might, I've yet to be able to convince my dear daughter that being quiet and lying still is a hugely rewarding activity to be undertaken whenever possible.

I tend to use the word 'sabotage' to describe anything that inhibits hobby time (you know - like life), but almost always, that sabotage comes from elsewhere - an outside source.

Unfortunately, I think I've just gone and sabotaged myself.

Erny, the proprieter of Erny's Place (not to be confused with Ernie's Place) declared that he would start running a Warhammer Fantasy Role Playing campaign. It is to be an online exercise, you see.

Interesting, I thought. I'd like to see how something like that pans out, seeing as I have a vested interest in online 'board' gaming. But then he did something unexpected: he invited people from the internet to play.

And, like James Bond to the arms of an eastern european spy in a bikini, I folded and applied to participate.

Masochism being my new favourite activity, I then thought - I wonder if I could write some sort of journal from the view of the character I play?

So, I've clipped time from my dwindling supply of hobby time in order to play an offline RPG online. And I've proposed to write about it.

The campaign he will be running will be the (apparently) hugely atmospheric The Enemy Within - the first of what I understand is a series of campaigns set in the Old World. We will be using the pre-generated characters the module supplies, and in the end I have elected to play one Wanda Weltschmertz.

Wanda, as you may have guessed, is a woman. And, whilst it may never have been expressly stated, it is now: I am not a woman.

Which brings me on to my role-playing credentials. Like almost all of the the people involved in this hobby, I started with Dungeons and Dragons (the Rules Cyclopedia, if you must know), before discovering the joy of lead. I was young and I didn't really understand the difference between role-playing and roll-playing. I wasn't entirely clear why my strength 18(99) minotaur dragon knight fighter/mage couldn't carry 10,000 pieces of gold and 500 feet of rope in his pockets, whilst hefting two vorpal axes of berserker rage with extra giant strength (+5/+10 vs undead).

Later on, when I started mastering games, I realised what role-playing really was. But by then, it was too late. The problem with roll-playing is it quickens the route to meta-gaming. Very quickly, I realised that I couldn't 'unknow' the things I knew. All my characters knew that killing trolls involved fire - even though they'd never seen a troll before.

But, throughout the D&D, I never ever played a female character. Or even a human character.

At this point, I'd suggest my credentials are, at best, dubious.

Now I've kicked around the fantasy world a bit. Been around the block a few times. I know Wanda probably looks like this:

Or this:

...because that's what fantasy women look like, right? I mean, the fantasy we're talking about here is not the fantastic, is it?

This is the drawing from the module that Erny provided:

I mean, its very 80's, but she's in the ballpark, right?

But a casual conversation with someone regarding WFRP set me straight. Apparently, the old world is a dark place. It is the historical medieval world, but with extra hopelessness and darkness thrown in. He advised that something like this might be more appropriate:

He also mentioned mud. Lots of mud in the Old World, apparently:

Anyway, this is another drawing of Wanda from the module:

Whilst there's nothing to say she isn't wearing a plate mail g-string, I would suggest that's probably not the case. I imagine she would call that garment she's wearing a 'frock'.

Her special skills are that she can read and write. Look - she has a handbag. And she's not afraid to use it!

Back to WFRP. I've never played it. Ever. I remember picking up the book once, paging through, and taking note that necromancers will eventually develop a funny smell and that children and small animals will avoid them. Apart from that, I know nothing. 

So, I know nothing about WFRP and I know nothing about playing a woman. And, just because I've had a recent brush with pregnancy, doesn't mean I'll only draw on that experience and act irrationally and emotionally. I'll park my horse badly and buy lots of shoes too. 

My point is that, for Erny (the GM), I should make the ideal player - because I know nothing. He could tell me anything and I would have to believe him. I can never say something like "1d6? I'm sure it says 2d6 in the description..."

In short, my role-playing credentials are second to none.

Warhammer for Parents

Right.

Three weeks down - only seventeen years, eleven months and one week to go. Ostensibly, parenthood is for life, but I need a light at the end of the tunnel, so lets just go with eighteen years, shall we?

From what I can see, the only clear difference between mankind and any member of the animal kingdom - let's say, for example, a jackal, appears to be four hours of sleep. I know this, because having missed out on opportunities to claim my four hours of sleep, I can confirm that all rational thought evaporates, and one operates purely on instinct.

I just caught myself about to throw an empty biscuit packet down the toilet. It made sense at the time.

The thing is, I think I'm getting the hang of this now. Parenting and painting, that is. Here is evidence:

That's right - a painted figure - one that I've painted since the BOJ* came along. It took ages, and has really challenged the way I currently paint, because I suspect it unsustainable.

*Bundle Of Joy

And, if you have a solid memory, you might say - hang on, you've already painted one of those, how do I know its not that one?

Well remembered. Here are the two of them together:

As you can see, the other was damaged and has been repaired to have a giant machete sort of thing, and has different coloured armour.

With this extra chaos dwarf, that means I now have nine painted - one more and I'll hit another milestone!

But lets go back to that unsustainable painting method for a moment. The problem I have is that I cheerfully sit there layering away, never using any inks, or washes, or shades, or whatever the kids call them these days - except for my trusty brown ink, of course.

I must now raise the challenge - if I am to continue with this sort of hobby - perhaps not so much playing, but just the simple joy of painting - I must get more efficient. I recently saw a post of some chap mentioning how his target is to get a figure painted in an hour. It sounds like an excellent idea, but I am too OCD and panicky to even experiment with my lovely old lead. Yes, I know, I can strip them, etc, etc. OCD is my enemy here, because I'm struggling to break out of my old behaviour, and I somehow suspect my figures will hate my for trying. I can't have angry figures now, can I?

Still, I forced myself. I was in town somewhere, and I popped into a leading gaming outlet, where I picked up the following:

As you can see, the seals have not yet been broken. To be honest, I don't even know if I've bought the right thing. I don't know what I'm doing, and I don't know what to do next. I've even wondered how weak I was that I fell for the pimply faced marine's painting advice with these things. The figures I have are older than him, so what does he know, come to think about it?

So, perhaps the thing is to throw the question out to the wider forum:

What is a quick way to paint figures? Could I get a good looking figure in an hour? Is such a thing possible? Are inks part of the solution?

As a complete aside, I am now aware that Citadel have changed all of their paints. Whilst I've tended to avoid the balance of GW's stuff, because it is no longer from the 80's, I've used the paints because I know the colours and to be honest, if it ain't broke, don't fix it. But now they've gone and changed everything on me, so I guess that final tie no longer applies.

So, a second question to the community - what's a good alternative? I believe that the paints that GW used to use in the 80's/early 90's are still in production by another company?

Oh, it's a girl, by the way. 8.5 lbs, or 3.7 kgs in new money. Daddy's She's still getting a nerf gun, though.